I know this may seem a little extreme, but I’ve had all of this hurt inside me, and figured writing it out would be a good way to release it.-
This Sunday, after having a good day with my friends, I got a few calls from my mom saying I needed to come home immediately. She does this pretty often, so I didn’t think too much of it. But she texted my friend’s phone and said it was an emergency. I asked her jokingly if someone died, but she didn’t reply. I came home about an hour later, there was a large box on the porch. My mom was on the porch swing, her face red and teary. I sheepishly asked her what was going on. With tears welling up in her eyes she barely squeaked out “Doug’s dead.” My heart crumbled. My mind started to race, I felt sick, my throat knotted up. I ran to the door, came inside, and I just remember screaming. Screaming as loud and hard as I possibly could. Mom had baskets of fresh laundry, and boxes of things being sorted everywhere, and I picked them up and threw them across the room. I kicked the coffee table a few times, and kicked some other things so hard my shoe came off. After my outburst, I just fell to the floor like a lead weight. I was a toddler again, kicking and screaming, hitting the floor, burying my face in the carpet and crying. I asked her what happened to him and she said “I just let him out and went to the bathroom, as soon as I came out, the neighbor came to the door and said our dog got hit by a truck. I ran outside and grabbed him, but he was already gone.„I’m so sorry”. Filled with anger, all I could say was “You killed my dog! I left home for a few hours and you let my puppy die. Why weren’t you paying attention? How could you do this? He was my best friend”. I could see that this stung her, but I didn’t really care. She retaliated and started yelling back, blaming me in defense. After realizing how devastated I was, she reached out to hug me, but I swung at her, and slapped her arm away. I tried to stand up, but my legs just wouldn’t work. All I could manage was hysterical sobbing. This was the most awful, burning, intense pain I’ve ever felt before. I’ve had many family members die, and none hurt my heart this immensely. After what seemed like hours of this, I began to stand up and shakily stumble to the couch. I sat there, and just imagined him running in the room with one of his many stuffed animals in his mouth to show me, then hide them in fear of someone else getting his toys. Or him jumping on my lap and frantically licking my face, greeting me as if I’d been gone for ages. I finally mustered the energy to go outside and start digging a hole for him. On and off during my digging I’d zone out and forget what was going on. Every few minutes it would reoccur to me what had happened and what I was doing; Making a hole in the ground to put my puppy in. Between the 80 degree heat, and the mixture of sweat and tears in my eyes, my face was burning. After I’d made a suitable sized crater, I decided to go get him from the box. I picked up the heavy black bag and carried it into the house, then sat on the couch. I untied the bag, and pulled back an old blue towel, afraid of what I’d see. There he was, eyes closed and curled up, almost like he was sound asleep. I petted his head and shook him a little, just to make sure…in that moment, reality hit me like a freight train, he was really gone. The puppy I’d had for over six months and raised from a frail, sickly runt, to the (borderline chubby) energetic dog he became. The puppy that ran to the door the second he heard my car pull in the driveway, and cried until I walked in. The puppy that laid right beside me every night I went to bed, and didn’t move until I woke up. The brown, long eared, clumsy pup that was always happy to see me, and made my day better no matter how bad I felt. I sat on the couch for a few minutes crying and held him for the last time. I kissed him on the head and said “Daddy loves you Dougie”. After I put him in his last resting place, I made sure he was stretched out, just how he liked. I knelt down next to him and closed my eyes, imagining he was next to me in my bed like he had been a hundred times before. I went inside and grabbed all of his animals. Before I covered him up, I put them next to him and whispered “You don’t have to worry about anyone taking your toys ever again”.
Daddy loves you Dougie, and I’ll never forget you.